Even as a child I was a sad, introverted boy. It didn’t help that my parents were constantly fighting and I was bullied at school. But my depressed mood gradually faded away over the years with karate training and constant work on myself. Then I started attending the high school where I experienced the best years of my life.
But after high school I went to study to the Faculty of Economics at Matej Bel University. However, the main motivation to go to Banská Bystrica was to train under the guidance of one of the best coaches in Slovakia at the Youth Karate Centre. And it was here that the beginnings of my depression started.
I have always been closely connected to my family and my separation from them brought me months of sadness and anxiety. Although I used to go to competitions and karate camps throughout my childhood and adolescence, what I enjoyed most about them was the fact that I would always come home to Žilina, where my beloved parents, sister, girlfriend and friends were waiting for me.
I remember Fridays full of stress about succeeding at the competition, Saturdays filled with trepidation about my performance and Sundays characterized by relaxation and rest. Sundays were my best days. I was sore all over, but the feeling of winning and being with my loved ones was priceless.
But all this ended with my departure to Banská Bystrica. I had karate buddies there, with whom I spent the day, but the evenings were full of emptiness. I got so depressed that I could barely do laundry and cook, but the rest of the day (except for two 2 hour training sessions) I was able to just lie on the couch. Gradually it got worse and I got scared of the new and so I was literally scared to go to school. That’s why I quit college.
So my stay in BB was reduced to training and time spent in the apartment I had rented. Later on, my depression was compounded by sleeping problems. No matter what I did I couldn’t fall asleep. If I had been able to use breathing exercises and autogenic training back then, it might have turned out differently. But everything is as it should be and what happened, happened for a reason.
Gradually, when my fatigue caught up with me and started to affect my training, I started to solve it with a glass of wine with dinner. However, one glass later turned into two and after a few weeks more. Thanks to the wine, I eventually managed to fall asleep, but the sleep was of poor quality. You know when you have a drink in the evening and then wake up tired like you didn’t sleep at all? It’s because the body has to deal with the alcohol and expel it from the body, and this detoxification costs us considerable energy.
After a year in Banská Bystrica, which I spent with long training sessions and even longer and sad evenings, I decided to quit karate. I was so depressed that I could no longer be alone all week and spend my weekends stressing out at competitions. I returned to Žilina and started working as a financial advisor, which deserves an article of its own sometime later. My zest for life returned and I enjoyed life with my loved ones. Gradually, however, I stopped doing well at work, lost motivation and my depression returned. After a year, I quit “counselling”. I started training again, following a diet and practicing yoga. I lost 20 pounds and started competing again.
I had no idea that I was on the verge of addiction at the time. However, I suffered a nasty injury at the Slovak championships and my shoulder popped out. I tore my tendons and broke three bones that were poking my flesh from the inside. I was stupid and didn’t want to have surgery, I wanted to train and compete as soon as possible. That’s when the doctors prescribed me stronger painkillers from the opioid category for this injury. They were called Tramal with the active ingredient tramadol.
The very first time I took this “medicine” I felt the sensation I had been looking for so long. The pain stopped completely; there was relaxation, calmness, euphoria. The depression and sadness went away within minutes. Little did I know at the time that I had just laid the foundation for my addiction I began to gradually put this instant happiness into my body every day. I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong. I had never done drugs and these were “just” pills after all.
I took Tramal for a year and then when I wanted to stop, I found out I couldn’t. The pains came back after discontinuation, the feelings of happiness went away and withdrawal set in. That’s when I realised that it was absolutely not okay. I was ashamed to see a psychiatrist, because after all, I was not crazy. This habitual attitude is sick and prevents people from starting to heal their anxiety and depression.
I’ve always had a massive strong physique and a high tolerance to medication. Normal doses didn’t work for me, so I had to take larger amounts. Apparently that’s why the withdrawal symptoms were so incredibly strong that I couldn’t quit opiates. Another year went by and I couldn’t quit tramadol. I wasn’t taking it anymore because I didn’t feel pain. I wasn’t even taking it to feel euphoric. I was just taking it to stop feeling sick. That’s why I eventually sought out a psychiatrist, who immediately prescribed other medications to help me get over. Among other things, he prescribed me Neurol. Neurol is a drug with the active ingredient alprazolam, which is also contained in Frontin and, in America, the well-known Xanax.
Neurol is a highly addictive drug from the benzodiazepine group. Mainly, It is used to treat anxiety. After about half an hour of taking it, there is a feeling of divine calm, which is also what I have always been looking for. The problem is that after some time even this medicine stops working. You build up tolerance that forces you to take larger and larger doses of this drug. After a few months, the same mechanism occurs as with Tramal. You are no longer taking Neurol to get well, you are taking it not to get so sick.
Gradually, the side effects of this drug also appear. Probably the one I felt the most was the memory loss, which was so strong that now when I want to remember the years when I took Tramal or Neurol, I can’t remember for months even almost a whole year. This was compounded by irritability when the drug wore off, nervousness, depression or slowed reactions. I’ll write about what to expect when taking these medications and especially how to get off of them in my next blog.
The next drug the doctor prescribed me was DHC – dihydrocodeine. It IS also an opiate but it is stronger than tramadol and does not cause epileptic seizures, which I did not avoid while taking tramadol. Fortunately, I have never had nor do I have epilepsy, the results came out negative, but with higher doses of Tramal or sudden withdrawal I did get an epileptic seizure, which fortunately was in the provoked category. You can also get an epileptic seizure from other opiates and even with prolonged drinking and sudden alcohol withdrawal.
My addiction stuck with me for 8 long years. It was clinging like a limpet; digging its claws into me and digging deeper every time I wanted to escape. Eventually, substitution treatment helped me and I have been opiates free for three years now. But I had to learn to live again. I have to cope with my discomfort on my own and I help myself with karate, cardio, cold baths, Wim Hof breathing exercises, autogenic training, a good diet and what helps me the most is the fact that I work on myself all the time. If you are wondering whether to start medication or have already started and want to quit, I am here for you.
What to add in conclusion? The only thing I can think of is that drug addiction was my toughest opponent.